Monday, 27 April 2015

My broken song


"I come with my broken song...", these words from Rend Collective's song 'Simplicity' cuts down to where I really hurt. 

When church hurts.  When people use the Bible as a weapon.  When Christians get tribal over a doctrine.  When people push forward their 'vision' aggressively. I feel crushed. It hurts.  It hurts me because I'm still raw.

A woman said in church last night that sometimes we have to let go.  We have to stop talking and thinking about our pain and just get on with it.  Let Jesus heal it.  I guess in some ways she's right.  But even if I change my behaviour it'll still be there.

I can't conform, but I reckon He can transform.

I can only come with my broken song.  I don't want to sweep it under the carpet and pretend that 35 years of spiritual abuse hasn't affected me.  I want to unlearn and I want Him to strip it all away.  It'll make me raw and exposed, but so what.  Let me reach out and touch the hem of His robe.

And He does meet us there in our brokenness.  Church hurts, but I've found church also heals.  Not everyone uses the Bible to condemn people. Not everyone treats their pet doctrine like an idol put above the mercy and grace of God.  Not everyone foists their vision forcibly onto others.

Where I would like to be is to see Jesus in the midst of the ickyness.  When that preacher is being dramatic and insisting on an "amen" when I'd rather say "see ya!", when I see the oppressed being vilified for the sake of a  Bible verse, when I see my loved ones being sidelined or gossiped about for 'the sake of the kingdom' or to push forward the 'vision'...I'd love to just be able to ignore it and not get sucked into this black-hole.  I'd love to be able to remember that Jesus' heart is for the oppressed and prefers justice and mercy over exacting doctrinal correctness, to remember that He is bigger than all this.

I guess I will, one day.

Time heals.  It really does.  I rarely have panic attacks now.  I'm closer to Jesus now.  But every so often someone touches my pain and I remember how weak and raw I still am.

So for now, I'll come with my broken song, because He accepts it as lovingly as the song of the triumphant.

A bruised reed he will not break,
    and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out. Isaiah 42:3 (NIV)

6 comments:

  1. Thank you for sharing, Sarah.

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  2. May God hold you in the palm of his hand and bring you the peace & healing that you need.

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    1. Thank you for your kind words :) x

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  3. Sarah, did you want to host Mr. Badger? All you have to do is receive him, take a few photos of him at your house, in your world, out on the town . . . and blog about it. No time crunches or pressure AT ALL. There is no rush for him to get anywhere at any certain time. He's in Surrey right now. Let me know?

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    1. Mr Badger? Lol, sorry I missed this Pom Pom. Hope you are OK :) x

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