Friday, 1 November 2013

Swa cwæð eardstapa

So spoke the wanderer

Ye olde English...isn't it cool?...or pretentious, whatever. LOL

Anyway, I am still alive. If you were worried of course... :)

So, what's new with me?

I've gone through quite a 'thing' recently.  Before I went AWOL I was not in a great place church-wise.  In fact until quite recently I just felt sort of dead, numb...you know...not very spiritual.  I felt cynical about anything church/Christian related. Worship music? Just so annoying.  Bible? Couldn't read it. Prayer? Very little.  Preaching? Made me panic.

No, not in a great place.  In fact I even asked God - am I losing my faith? Is this what it's like?

But I just could not give up Jesus.  I know He's real. I know He's alive. I know that He is AWESOME.  I did acrobatics with my mind, but whichever way I looked Jesus was in my life.

No, every time I analysed my feelings my conviction about Jesus was still there.

I was so confused though.

Sitting in a meeting at church I suddenly had my epiphany.  I am not losing my faith, God is stripping away all the dross.  All the rubbish I had been fed since being a child.  All the twisting of scripture.  All the misrepresentation of God.  All the lies about what a 'real' church is.  The setting up of the pastor as mediator between me and God.

It all had to go.

I had to be emptied in a way. Cleansed.

I cried that night when I realised this.  Cried with relief.  God hadn't given up on me.

And...Jesus...the simplicity of the Gospel.

All of that old church tradition, religion, legalism, burden, chains, cage, gossip, criticism, idolisation of a man, lies, mixed up theology.  It all had to go.

I still have scars to heal, I have lots to learn...

10 comments:

  1. What a beautiful and encouraging post. I'm rejoicing with you as I experience some of the very same things....We're in this together: with Jesus!

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  2. Sarah, I was so delighted t read your post. I know you have gone through some hard times with a church lately and those fears and emotions are hard to shake off. But the Lord steps in s graciously.

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  3. Sarah, I was so delighted t read your post. I know you have gone through some hard times with a church lately and those fears and emotions are hard to shake off. But the Lord steps in s graciously.

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  4. the beauty of growing pains...

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  5. I'm so glad that you are back Sarah! I've missed you! Thank you so much for sharing your heart. Ultimately, Jesus is all that matters. Praying for you, sweet friend. Hugs.

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  6. I do pop it every once in a while to check up on you and yours and gosh, what a great read! I'm glad to see I'm not alone...I thought I'd lost my faith and isolated myself because of it.I was saddened by this and very angry, but now faith is tentatively creeping back. God bless old chum.

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  7. Hi Susan, thanks for your kind words and your prayers. xx

    Hi Dulce Do, glad you're on the up too! Good to 'see' you, it's been ages (feels like any way).

    Hugs.

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